Long Day

Things have been going okay. I am just lonely today. I worked and I took a nap with John and I had dinner with my family. I dont know why I feel so lonely. I hate when John works because that is when I feel the most lonely. I cant even talk to him. Well, I can, but I feel like I am bothering him. I wish that we lived together because I would get to see him every day. I dont need to be married. I dont need that, but I want to feel like I am not alone so much. I wish I could get used to being alone. John would be happier if I didnt have to be over there all the time. I loved today when I could just lay with him and run my hands across his face or against his chest and feel him under my touch. I love being close to him, even if it just sleeping. I love to hear him breathe and that I am close enough to hear him breathe.  I guess saying I love you is a bad thing. I need to stop saying that because it scares him. So I have stopped, but it breaks my heart because of the feelings I have, its like my feelings are bad. Why should my feelings be bad. If feelings are bad, why do we have them? If I could make these feelings go away, I would because I know John doesnt want me to have these feelings. I'm sorry that this happened. If things could go back the way they were, I guess they should, but I wouldnt be as happy as I am today. He does make me happy, but maybe I am being selfish and think more about what makes John happy. Maybe me not being around so much would make him happier. He says that I am fine, but what does that mean? Is he saying that so I dont get upset and he feels bad for making me cry or does he really mean that it is okay for me to be around so much. He talks to me about us being together next year. And says that to be patient. What does that mean to be patient? what I am being patient with. I dont wanna get married. It scares me. If we were to get married, would it ruin everything? Would he get bored of me? that is what my biggest worries would be. He says that I want those things and I dont, I just want to be with him without any stress like we have been for the past year. I dont want things to change.